Yesterday I made a whole bunch of confessions to my girlfriend. I told her stuff which was extremely personal and deep. Memories from the darkest phase of my life – my growing up years in an all boys’ boarding school. She was shocked. Not by the things I told her, but by the fact that I had hid all these things from her for such a long time. She felt cheated and thought that I had made a fool out of her by not telling her all this before. But I had to. I have been on some wierd guilt trip for the last month or so. I have started ‘thinking a lot’ about any little things that happens. Like a lot. And its draining. These random thoughts keep coming in my head and I keep thinking about them when all of a sudden I snap out and realize that I am wasting my time thinking such stupid things when there are so many other pressing issues at hand. It has been slowly eating away at my happiness and activities. I don’t write much, I don’t study as much as I did earlier. And my appetite for food has also gone down. I had been cultivating a habit of doing Yoga every morning but now I find myself not following the routine – I have been very irregular with my Yoga. I feel empty and hopeless from inside and I have never felt this way.
I usually share any problem I have with my girlfriend but yesterday was the second time that I had broken her trust. And trust is something which takes years to build but a fraction to break. I have done the same mistake twice and if I don’t get my act together, she will probably desert me thinking I am some kind of maniac. And believe me, she is the most beautiful person I have ever met in my life. She is so kind and caring, so understanding, sweet and above all, loving, that I cannot for a moment fathom a single moment without her being around me. Just the thought that I have atleast one person to walk with me, no matter what, is reassuring. But I have stretched that limit too.
So I was thinking as usual (a habit of the last few weeks which is getting on my nerves now!!), when my roommate, with whom I have been living for over a year came in. I was playing a computer game then and he told me that he would sit and study for a little while. But he sat down and started thinking about something. Half an hour later, he was still staring into space, deep in thought. I asked him what he was thinking about, and he told me nothing…some random things. It was then it struck me that this was exactly what I had been doing for the last few days.
Then the mystery unravelled. It turns out that this friend has been doing it for a long time, perhaps since childhood. And he does not feel to happy about it. He feels that he cannot learn any new thing because of this negative habit. He just sits and stares and thinks thinks thinks. Unfortunately, last year his girlfriend broke up with him because of some problems and that put him in a depression. This depression put more fuel in the fire and ever since he has been doing just one thing – thinking. I’ve decided to help him with it, how I don’t know. For starters, whenever I see him thinking, I will tell him to go do something. Keep himself occupied. Obviously I can’t do it all the time, but I’m not gonna allow him to put any stray thoughts in my head. Enough is enough. I have become anxious and depressed all of a sudden. I remember last year had been so happy and peaceful. All I felt was love and joy and happiness. I had my girlfriend who kept me so happy. I had a hobby which paid well. I was studying from time to time. I had everything I could ever ask for. But now, things are diametrically opposite. I have a girlfriend who loves me doesn’t know whether to trust me or not. I have not paid any attention to my hobby for over two months. I study very little. That too not with my complete concentration. And I have stopped exercising almost completely.
After the whole confession with my girlfriend happened, I didn’t know what to do or whom to go to. So I went and sat in a temple nearby! I actually sat there and tried praying. But all that kept coming back to me was how I had betrayed and cheated my girl. She expected just one thing out of me – to be honest to her. And I couldn’t give that to her! Man. If I am able to get over the guilt of committing such a grave crime, that too to the person I love most, I will feel that God has given another chance at being happy again. From heaven to hell in a few weeks – time really changes things.
Now, I feel a little comforted knowing that I have been feeling this way because I have not really been working at all. I have just been having fun. It’s time for some serious work. Enough thinking!